


Memories

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, Canon, Child Abuse, Drama, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, No Slash, Season/Series 05
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-01-09
Updated: 2005-01-18
Packaged: 2018-12-27 00:22:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12069951
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian and Justin get into a fight over a box, Justin is baffled at Brian's actions. Justin makes a wish.  Will it come true?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

***************************************************************************************************************

“Just get the fuck out, Justin!”

Brian shoved Justin out the loft door, literally. Justin looked up at Brian, shocked that he would push him. Justin crossed his arms but made no move to go to Brian.

“God Brian, please don’t do this. I love you, you stupid asshole.” Justin was whispering.

Brian looked down at Justin and closed his eyes. He rubbed his temples, and Justin was sure he was going to slam the door on his face, but Brian’s expression changed. It softened just a little, and nobody but Justin would have even noticed it. Brian turned and walked inside, leaving the door wide open. Justin took that as his cue to follow Brian inside. He shut and locked the door after he got in.

“Brian?”

Justin moved to the inside of the loft, and found Brian sitting Indian style on the floor in front of the couch, drinking whiskey from the bottle. Knowing there’d be no use in trying to make him stop drinking, Justin quietly sat down in front of him.

He had no idea what had caused the earlier outburst from Brian. Justin had been making more space in Brian’s closet because they had agreed to give Gus a drawer in the dresser, forcing the clothes that would be in there to be hung up.

He had heard Brian come in, and from the sound of him muttering under his breath, Justin figured he wasn’t in a good mood. He was going to get up and go kiss him to say hello, but Brian had already made his way to where Justin was. He saw Justin moving an old box and started freaking out.

“Why were you going through my fucking stuff?”

“Brian I wasn’t…I was just…”

Brian had cut him off there, insisting that Justin was indeed going through the unopened, unmarked box. When in actuality, Justin was just going to put it at the top of the closet, to make more room for their shoes and things at the bottom. But Brian wouldn’t let him finish trying to tell him that before he started shoving him out the door.

Justin looked at Brian, but Brian refused to take his eyes off the imaginary spot on the floor. He took another drink.

“I really wasn’t going through your stuff, Brian. I was cleaning out the closet because you said I could for Gus. I was just going to put the box at the top of the closet instead of the bottom. I’m sorry.”

Justin put his hand on Brian’s shoulder, but Brian shrugged it off. Any other time Justin would be ready to shout at him, or argue back, but he didn’t know why Brian would act like that over a box. So, he didn’t think arguing was the best thing to do.

“Sorry’s bullshit.” Brian opened another bottle. “Besides, I overreacted.” He still wouldn’t look directly at Justin.

Justin didn’t want to start another fight, so he didn’t try to disagree with one of Brian’s mottos. He just wanted to know what the big deal about the stupid box was, and why Brian had been in a bad mood in the first place. Brian took a big gulp.

“Bri, maybe you shouldn’t drink so much. You’ve almost had two whole bottles now.”

“Maybe you should mind your own business. If you had minded your own business in the first place, then we wouldn’t be sitting here, now would we?”

That made Justin livid, but from living with the Brian for years, he was beginning to learn how to control his emotions…at least in front of people. So he didn’t say anything. The only good thing about the situation was that Brian was sitting in the living room with him, instead of at Babylon fucking some nameless guy and taking drugs.

Justin looked over at his lover again, and he was still chugging the whiskey like there was no tomorrow. He knew that Brian was a lost cause now, and the only thing he could do was wait until he passed out, and try to confront him about it in the morning. Hopefully after the hangover passed Brian would be willing to talk to him.

Brian looked over at Justin for the first time since he sat down. Justin could tell he was definitely on his way to not knowing who he was, but since Brian had a high tolerance of alcohol, he wasn’t drunk completely.

“Bring me it, Sunshine.”

“Bring you what?”

“The box. Bring it to me.”

“Brian, it’s okay--”

“Fuck, I said bring it!” 

Justin gave him a dirty look, and for a second Brian seemed ashamed, but quickly covered it back up. Justin went to get the box and sat it down in front of Brian. Brian looked at it like it was the most disgusting thing in the world. When he got back Brian had a new bottle of whiskey opened.

“You know, Jushin, I dunno, I really don’t.”

“You don’t know what?”

“Don’t know why I kept it, I hate it.” He gestured toward the box. “It could tell ya why, maybe. Maybe tell ya why I can’t.” Brian’s face looked sad after he said it.

Justin just sat there without saying anything; mostly because for once didn’t know what to say. He didn’t want to admit it, but he wanted to know what was inside. What could be in there that Brian would hate so much? Even so, no matter how much he wanted to see it, Justin knew that if he looked Brian would be pissed off at him in the morning.

Brian opened the flaps of the box. Before he could pull it all the way open, Justin grabbed his hands. Brian stared at the younger man in surprise.

“Look, Brian, if I let you do this, you’ll regret it tomorrow.”

Brian shot Justin an angry and confused look. “I thoughtcha loved me Sunshine.” Brian scowled and looked down again. “You were right ya know, you bashtard.”

Brian looked back up at the sky as he said the last part. Justin wasn’t sure who he was talking to, or what he was talking about, but he decided it probably wasn’t a good idea to ask right now. Since Brian wouldn’t let him close the box, Justin figured it’d be best to just go to bed, and hope that Brian would follow him there.

He got up and started to move to the other room without saying anything to Brian. Brian didn’t seem to notice, as he was still staring up at the ceiling. When he looked back down he realized that the blonde wasn’t there anymore, so box forgotten, he got up to find him.

“Jushtin!” 

Brian shook his empty bottle of whiskey and frowned. He dropped it to the floor, causing glass to shatter everywhere.

“Brian! Look what you did!” 

Justin knelt down to pick up the pieces of the empty bottle. He stopped and got up, deciding that he’d just make Brian clean his own mess up tomorrow. 

When Justin looked at Brian, he was helping himself to a third bottle of whiskey, which was already halfway empty. This time Justin moved over to him and took it out of his hands. Brian made a move to grab it back, but only succeeded in falling forward onto the floor. Justin put the bottle down and bent down to help Brian up.

“Let’s go to bed, Brian.” 

“I woulda showed ya Jush, I would.”

“I know, Brian, come on.”

Justin put Brian’s arm around his shoulder, and helped Brian up the stairs and into bed. Brian lay down without much protest, and a few minutes later he was asleep. Justin pulled off Brian’s jeans and socks, knowing that the older man didn’t like to sleep in his clothes.

He walked over to the window and looked out. There was a full moon outside, and you could see quite a few stars out, which was odd for Pittsburgh. Justin looked over at the bed to Brian, then back outside. He shook his head slowly.

“God, I wish I understood you.”

Justin had thought he knew a lot about Brian, but Brian would always go and do something that he couldn’t understand the reasoning behind. He didn’t know why Brian couldn’t just trust and confide in him, or say he loved him back. Justin had learned to live with it, but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t like to know why anyway. He knew that some of had to do with Brian’s family life and some other things, but Brian would never tell him anything about his past. He even had to coax Debbie to get something out of her. And that was saying something. 

Justin closed the curtain and moved back to the bed. He lay down beside Brian, and covered the both of them up. As soon as they were both under the covers Brian threw his arm around Justin involuntarily. Justin smiled a sadly and looked over at him. Justin rubbed his finger down the side of Brian’s cheek and sighed.

“You’re such a mystery, Brian Kinney.” He placed a kiss on Brian’s temple.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Justin squinted as light poured into his eyelids. He didn’t know what time it was, but he definitely knew that it was too early to be awake right now. He forced his head onto Brian’s chest. Brian didn’t move or make a noise. Justin still couldn’t seem to block out the light, even after putting a pillow on his face.

Finally he gave up and cracked one eye open to see what time it was. Glancing at the alarm clock beside the bed he saw that it was just now a little after two. There was no way it was this light outside. Justin looked at the window to the side of him and saw that no light was coming in from it. He looked back toward the living room, and found that it was definitely the source of his problems. He got up and walked in there to see what the light was coming from.

“You’re easier to wake up than I thought you would be.”

“Holy shit.”

“Holy yes, shit, no.”

“What the fuck are you doing here? You’re…you can’t be real.”

Justin blinked about ten times before realizing that when he opened his eyes Vic would still be there, sitting on the couch, with his feet on the coffee table. He was wearing a pair of sweats and a white T-shirt, and looked healthier than he had when he was alive. Justin didn’t know what to say for the second time that night.

“I’m kind of like a fairy godmother now, you know--except I don’t have to wear the little tutu thing.” Vic smiled widely.

Finally Justin realized that there was only one explanation for what was going on, and that was that he was dreaming. He had to be, because Vic had been dead for over a year now, and dead people don’t just sit on your couch and put there feet on your coffee table. Nope. 

At least this wasn’t a bad dream. Justin doubted highly that Vic would be threatening even if he was dead, so he decided he may as well have fun in this dream. He missed Vic.

“Well, I still don’t get it.”

“You made a wish Justin.”

Justin thought back to all the things he’d said that night. Then it hit him. 

“Was it when I was looking out the window?”

Vic smiled and nodded. 

“Sooo…I’m going to be able to understand Brian now?”

“Well, sorta.”

Justin looked a little confused. Vic smiled, knowing that Justin wouldn’t fully understand yet.

“You’re not just going to know why Brian is the way he is; I’m going to show you.”

“Are you going to tell me what was in the box he freaked out about? What’s he hiding?”

Vic laughed softly. Justin realized how much he missed having Vic around, because he was always such a nice guy.

“No, I’m not going to tell you what was in the box, but I think you’ll find what I show you much more interesting.”

Justin was intrigued. This was turning out to be a kick ass dream. Hopefully it would stay that way, and he would stay asleep long enough to finish it. He never got to learn things about Brian.

“Look Justin, wishes are incredible things, and you’re lucky to get yours answered. The Big Guy doesn’t do this for everybody.”

“Then why me?”

“I put in a good word for ya.” Vic winked at Justin and Justin smiled.

“So what exactly are you going to show me?”

“Sit down.” Vic patted the seat beside him on the couch. Justin sat down beside him, eager to see what Vic was going to show him.

Vic picked up the T.V. remote and pointed it toward the blank wall in front of them. Suddenly the room got much brighter, and the wall looked like it was molding into something, until everything in front of them looked like a huge 3D movie. 

It was so real Justin felt like he could reach out and touch the trees, but Vic put a hand on his shoulder, silently signaling Justin not to move. Justin sat still and took in the surroundings. 

There was a small, one-story white house, with a privacy fence around the back, and wire fence in the front. There were two trees in the front yard, but only one weeping willow in the back. The house was in fairly good condition, but it was still shabby, as were most of the houses on the block. Justin looked and saw that the mailbox said ‘Kinney.’

Justin glanced over at Vic, who motioned for him to turn back around and watch. Now instead of being outside, it moved into a living room. Justin looked around and saw that there were several pictures of Jesus hanging on the walls, and there was also a bronze statue of a cross.

There was no one in the living room, and no sound coming from the house. Justin jumped when he heard someone come inside. He looked to make sure the loft door was shut, but Vic motioned back toward the scene. Justin marveled at how real that had just sounded.

An obviously drunken man stumbled inside the living room, tripping over his own feet. He staggered down the hall, but paused at a door that was cracked. There was a little light coming from the room, and the man pushed the door all the way open.

“Is that Brian’s dad?” Justin didn’t want to be dreaming about Brian’s dad.

“Yes. It’s Jack. Oh, and Justin, this isn’t a dream.”

Justin stared at Vic in shock, and turned back around to watch what was going on in front of them.

Jack was now approaching a bed in the corner. He stood over it for a second, looking down on the sleeping form, then pulled off the blanket. The little boy never moved. Justin knew that the little boy was Brian.

“Wake up Sonny Boy!”

He grabbed Brian’s arm and pulled him completely off the bed. Brian landed on the floor with a loud thud. Jack looked down at him with a disgusted look on his face.

“Get up.”

Brian stood up, and Justin knew he couldn’t have been more than five. He looked up at Jack with fear in his eyes, a fear Justin had never seen in his eyes before.

Jack smacked him across the face with the back of his hand, and Brian fell back and hit the nightstand. His lip trembled, but he stood back up. ‘Stubborn even then,’ Justin thought.

“You gonna cry, Sonny Boy? Huh?”

“What’d I do?” Brian’s voice sounded so small, so confused. 

“What’d you do?! For fuck’s sake, you were born! Isn’t that enough?”

Jack closed the space between the two of them and hit Brian on the face again. Instead of getting up, Brian just laid there, curling his body into a ball. Jack hit him twice more, and stormed out of the room. Brian sat up slowly and leaned up against the wall. His legs were curled in front of his chest, and his body was shaking. You could hear little whimpers coming from him.

Justin sat there shocked. He wanted to go over and pick Brian up and hold him in his arms. He looked over at Vic, and Justin knew that they both had tears in their eyes.

“Vic, why are you showing me this?”

“It was your wish Justin.”

“This really happened to Brian?”

“Quite often. Actually, when he was this age it wasn’t so bad. It got worse when he was about fifteen. It was like as he got older Jack resented him even more.”

The setting didn’t really change much, except there was now light in the room. The bed was still in same corner, but the nightstand had been replaced by a trashcan. Two teenage boys, who happened to be Brian and Michael, were sitting on Brian’s bed. Michael had his head on Brian’s lap, and Brian was leaning against the wall. Justin couldn’t believe how young they both looked. Not that Brian looked old now, but God.

“God Bri, he is sooo hot! I’m telling you, we should move to California and hunt him down.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “Mikey, we’d never be able to find him, and he’s probably not even gay.”

“Of course he is, have you seen Dirty Dancing?” Brian smiled at Michael and looked at the clock on the wall.

“Hey, Mikey, you have to go home now, okay?”

Michael nodded his understanding, but looked upset. “Brian, if you need me--”

Brian kissed Michael on the forehead. “I know Mikey.”

Michael left and Brian went back to his room. He looked in the mirror he had on the wall and examined the yellow spot on his cheek. It was almost gone. He took off his shirt to change into a different one, and Justin gasped. He had bruises covering his back and ribs, and there were also a few scratch marks going down the side of stomach. Some of them were old, and some of them were new, but Justin couldn’t believe how many there were.

Brian went out into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water. Justin smiled because Brian still kept a ton of water in the fridge. He saw Brian flinch when he heard the door open, but he quickly regained his composure. He started masking this early?

“You drink too much fuckin’ water.” Brian didn’t say anything and tried to walk past his father.

“You trying to stay fit so you can run track? Why did you have to pick such a pussy sport? No wonder you never had a girlfriend, everyone thinks you’re a fuckin’ fairy. Sometimes I think you’re one.”

Jack grabbed his arm, and Brian didn’t try to get away. He just looked at his dad and said nothing. Jack shoved him, and Brian did something Justin totally didn’t expect, and shoved him back. Justin didn’t even know him, but he could tell that Jack was about to go psycho.

Brian must have been scared of the look on Jack’s face too, because he muttered an apology to his dad. Justin couldn’t remember hearing Brian apologize.

“Sorry’s bullshit, Sonny Boy.”

Jack punched Brian in the jaw, and Justin saw the blood come out of his mouth. Brian had to fight to stand up, because the blow had been so hard. Before he could regain his footing, Jack was hitting him again and again, and Brian fell to the ground.

When Brian rolled onto his back, Jack started kicking him in the sides. Brian moaned in pain and clutched his ribs. Justin saw Brian’s mother walk in the room and down the hall like nothing was going on. She barely even glanced their way. Jack bent down and grabbed Brian’s neck. 

“You were a mistake, the biggest one I ever made.”

Brian said nothing. Jack pulled him off the floor by his neck, and Brian could barely stand. He shoved him against the wall, pinning Brian’s arms to his sides. Justin could tell Brian was struggling to get away, but Jack was much stronger.

“You’re too much of a girl to even get away from me now, aren’t you? You never knew how to be in control.”

Jack pulled Brian away from the wall and slammed his head back into it hard, knocking down one of the Jesus pictures. Brian cried out in pain, but Jack ignored it. He threw Brian on the ground again and kicked him three more times before leaving the house altogether. 

After a few minutes Brian sat up and tried to regain control of his breathing. Claire walked past him and didn’t even glance at him. Brian looked up at her and gasped.

“Claire…ple…please take me…to Mikey’s.”

“Brian, I’m going shopping. If you’d keep your mouth shut you wouldn’t get into this trouble.”

Claire walked out and slammed the door, much like Jack had just done. Brian got up slowly, careful to get his balance. He limped toward the door.

“What the fuck’s he doing?”

“He’s going to go to our house.”

“He’s gonna walk there like that? Why didn’t he just call you?”

“Believe it or not he did. He didn’t use the phone because the only one they had was in his parent’s bedroom. Of course, Deb ended up taking him to the hospital that night. He had a concussion.”

“I don’t want to see Brian in the hospital. Please show me something else. No more abuse.”

Vic looked sadly at Justin. “That was a really big part of his life, Justin, even if the abuse wasn’t physical. But I won’t show you anymore episodes like that.”

Justin stared at the floor. Brian’s dad had told him that sorry was bullshit, and how many times had Justin heard Brian say that? He must really believe those things. Poor Brian.

“What are you going to show me then?”

“You’ll see.” Vic sat back and pushed a button on the remote control.


	2. Memories

************************************************************************************************************

Vic pushed a button and the screen faded to black. At first there was no noise, but then Justin could hear the laughter of a little kid and someone else. The background started to fill itself in, and Justin could see Brian, probably about the age of seven, sitting on the ground beside and old man. 

It looked like they were in a park, because there were a lot of other kids running around and playing. Brian didn’t even glance at them though; his full attention was on the man in front of him. The man had a friendly smile, and although Justin didn’t know what he had just told Brian, it had obviously made him very happy. Brian was looking at the man with complete adoration.

“Vic, who’s that?” 

Justin had never seen a picture of this man before…although Brian had never really shown him any pictures. He still couldn’t figure out who the stranger could be, because Brian had never even mentioned someone like him before.

Vic smiled at Justin. “You’re one of those people who doesn’t shut up during a movie, aren’t you?” Justin glared at him but wasn’t really angry. Vic pointed to the scene again.

Brian and the man were now lying on their backs on the grass, with their hands behind their heads, staring up at the sky. Suddenly the old man pointed up. 

“You see that one? That one looks like a race car.” 

Young Brian cocked his head to the side and squinted really hard. After a second he beamed at the old man.

“I see it! I bet it goes really fast. I wish I could drive really fast…and far away sometimes.”

He got quieter as he said the last part, almost whispering. Brian looked down at the ground. When he noticed the man looked over at him sadly, he turned away and looked back up at the sky. The old man sat up and pulled Brian beside him. He started running his hands through the top of Brian’s hairy soothingly.

“You know, sometimes we all would. But if you stick around, maybe someday you’ll be able to get the fastest car in the world. Right now though, you have to stay here and keep me company.”

“And you have to stay here and keep me company.”

The old man nodded and smiled. Brian didn’t say anything for a minute, but he looked like he was in deep thought. Finally he looked up at the man and smiled. The old man squeezed Brian tightly. When they broke the hug, they both lay back down on the ground and looked at the sky again.  
Brian pointed up to the sky this time. 

“Looks like a hippo!” 

The old man nodded his agreement. Justin smiled brightly as the scene ended. He looked over at Vic again, silently awaiting an explanation as to who the man was. 

“He was Brian’s next door neighbor, David. Brian met him when he was about two, because the guy and his wife used to baby-sit for him and Claire. They couldn’t have kids, but you can tell that he really liked them. He used to do things with Brian when he could, but as you can see, he was old too, and it was often hard to find a time when Brian was allowed to come over.”

“Yeah…did he know about…?”

“The abuse? Yeah, he had a pretty good idea. He wasn’t a bad guy though—he even called the police to investigate once, but they didn’t see anything wrong with Claire, and Brian wouldn’t say that his dad ever did anything. I guess he was scared. They said they’d keep an eye on them, but stuff like that wasn’t talked about a lot back then, and not much was ever done about it. A lot of it was considered discipline and the parent’s right.”

“That’s bullshit.”

Vic nodded. “I agree with you, but you can’t change it, it already happened.”

Justin shook his head. Vic patted him on the shoulder, picked up the remote again and pressed another button. This time the scene that opened up was gloomier. There were no children laughing and it was raining. At first Justin couldn’t tell where it was, but after a second it sunk in. 

A twelve year old Brian was holding some flowers and standing beside an old woman who was crying. There were about five other people gathered around them, but none of them were crying, they just seemed sad. It looked like Brian had tears in his eyes, but none had spilled over.

A priest was holding a Bible in his hands and saying something Justin was really listening to. Brian visibly shuddered and pulled the woman closer. She rested her chin on his head and started sobbing harder. Justin looked at the gravestone and read the words David Waterfield. 

Justin put his hand over his mouth. “That was…”

Vic nodded.

After the ceremony was over the woman hugged Brian tightly. She looked down at him with red rimmed eyes and smiled sadly. Justin could tell Brian tried, but couldn’t manage to smile back. The old woman took a deep breath.

“He loved you, you know. You were like a son to him. I…I…” 

The woman broke down, and she hugged Brian again. He walked her to her car and she departed, leaving Brian the only left one in the graveyard. 

He walked slowly back over to the David’s grave, shuffling his feet and looked down. When he looked back up, Justin could see that he had tears running slowly down his cheeks. He lowered the flowers he had been holding onto the grave and ran his hands over the headstone. He smiled sadly.

“I miss you already. You know I always thought…I always thought tha…that you would be here to keep me company forever.” Brian reached up and wiped his cheeks. “I guess nothing lasts forever though, huh?”

Brian sat down on the ground beside the grave as he was saying this. He looked back over at the fresh mound of dirt, as if expecting some type of answer. Then he lay down on the ground and looked up at the sky. He was still silently crying.

“Damn…I wonder if you can even hear me.” 

Brian wiped his eyes again and was silent. He sat there like that all of fifteen minutes. Then he slowly pointed up to the sky. 

“Look, that one looks like a race car.”

The scene started to fade, and Justin was glad for it. He knew that he was crying, but he couldn’t help it. Poor Brian…losing someone you loved like that was hard. Justin wondered why no one had ever mentioned him.

“No one ever mentioned him because nobody knew Brian was so close to him. After that he kept his distance from people.”

Justin stared at Vic, but decided not to say anything. He wiped his eyes and smiled sadly.

“I’m not sure I want to see anymore of this Vic.”

“You will never truly understand him unless you do.” Justin nodded, knowing that Vic was right. It was still so sad though. Now that he thought about it, Brian’s life was pretty shitty.

“He got over David after a while, although never completely. He found a friend in Michael the next year at school, so things weren’t as bad for him.”

“I thought you said he didn’t let himself get too close to people?”

“He didn’t…you wouldn’t understand unless I showed you. And I still have a lot to show you.”

Justin nodded, because he was relieved. Even though it was sad, he still felt like he was connecting to Brian in a way he never would have if this hadn’t happened.

Vic pressed the button again, and this time it was a sunny day outside. A bunch of kids were running up the steps to get inside a school building. Justin looked around, searching for Brian. He finally spotted him walking up the sidewalk alone. He didn’t seem to be in any hurry at all.

Suddenly Justin heard shouts in the background, and he saw Brian jerk his head around to see where they were coming from. Over behind a tree across the street, two very large boys were yelling at a smaller boy, which Justin knew was Michael. One of the big ones had him pinned to a tree by his shirt, while the other one was yelling at him and holding his fist back. 

Brian looked at the school, and then back at Michael. Without much hesitation he dropped his books on the ground and ran over to where the three were. As soon as Brian mad it there the big guy punched Michael in the face. Brian pushed the guy.

“Fuck off!” Brian yelled at them.

The one pinning Michael against the tree let go, and all three boys stared at Brian in shock. Michael took a step back and started dusting himself off.

Brian gave both boys a look that could kill. “Why don’t you pick on someone your own size?”

Brian wasn’t exactly there size either, well, at least not weight wise. While he had an inch or two on both boys, they both probably had at least eighty pounds on him. Still, he didn’t back down. He did the exact opposite, and got right in one of their faces, showing off his height, and clenched his fists.

Just then the bell rang, but none of the boys moved. They all, well, all except Michael, were trying to see who would back down first. Just before one of the boys punched Brian, the owner of the house came out.

“I don’t want any trouble boys, but if you don’t get off my property now, I’m calling the police. I don’t ever want to see you here again. You’ve had fair warning.”

The three of them looked at each other and started across the street. One of the boys who was picking on Michael pointed to both of them.

“You better watch your back asshole.”

Justin was trying to get used to the fact that Brian kept his mouth shut until absolutely necessary. The Brian now would pop off with some smart ass remark and not think twice about it. Brian had changed a lot since his youth.

Brian kept walking forward, but Michael put his hand on his shoulder to stop him. Brian reluctantly stopped and looked down at Michael, waiting for him to say something.

“Thanks a lot…I’m Michael.” 

Michael held out his hand, but Brian didn’t take it. After a second Michael pulled his hand back, embarrassed. He followed Brian a little farther down the hall. Finally, Brian stopped and looked at him.

“Why did you help me like that?”

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “Seeing someone hit someone smaller than they are pisses me off.”

“Oh.”

Brian sighed. “I’m Brian.”

Michael grinned. “Hi Brian. What do you have first period?”

“Why are you following me?”

“You practically saved my life, I owe you. And I thought…maybe we could be friends.”

Brian looked at him like he was the weirdest person on the planet. He sighed and shook his head.

“I have chemistry.”

“So that’s how they met?”

“Yep, and Brian would have never spoken to him again if Michael hadn’t followed the poor kid everywhere he went. But, as you can see, it all worked out for them. Now I’ll show you later that day.”

Light was pouring into Brian’s living room. Again, nothing had changed, still the same Jesus pictures all over the place, but not one portrait of either of the children or the family was hanging up. Not even the furniture had been moved around.

This time the thirteen year old Brian Justin had seen earlier was lying on the floor, with an Algebra book open in front of him. He had a calculator beside him, but Justin saw that it wasn’t turned on, and he still seemed to be flying through the problems.

Justin could hear the muffled voice of Brian’s mother in the other room, but Brian seemed oblivious to the sound, even when his name was mentioned. 

After a minute Justin heard her say goodbye, and she walked into the living room, stopping in front of Brian. Brain still didn’t notice her; either that or he was ignoring her. Justin couldn’t tell which it was. Joan started tapping her foot. When Brian didn’t look up, she took her foot and knocked his books aside. He jumped and sat up quickly.

“What?”

“You never listen to people Brian, you never have any idea what’s going on around you.”

Brian continued to stare up at her, not bothering to say anything at all. When he did open his mouth to speak, he was interrupted by Jack, who had been sitting on the couch.

“That’s right he doesn’t. I don’t know why the little shit even bothers with all the books he brings home. He’ll never make it through school. He’s gonna end up just like me, living in a shit hole with worthless kids who don’t appreciate a God damn thing.” 

Jack took a drink of the beer he had been holding. Brian looked down at the floor and said nothing. Joan started tapping her foot and Brian looked up at her, and she crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“It’s only your fourth week of school, and you’ve been late to first period four times already. What was your excuse today, Brian?”

Brian shrugged his shoulder, but Joan didn’t move. She started tapping her foot again, waiting for another answer from him. Brian sighed.

“I dropped my stuff on the sidewalk, and I had to pick it all up.”

Joan rolled her eyes. “Do you not know how to zip your backpack up? I swear, you can’t do anything right, Brian.”

“Yes I can.” He said it very quietly, and handed Joan a piece of paper. She looked at it or a second and gave him an icy stare.

“They’re just letters, Brian. Do you want me to congratulate you because you’re passing your classes...barely? You have an A - in English.” 

She wrinkled up the paper and threw it on the floor. Jack stood up and crossed the room to where Brian was sitting and Joan was standing. Already half-drunk, Jack stumbled over Brain’s backpack, spilling beer on Brian’s homework.

“Don’t leave your shit in the middle of the floor, kid. Are you trying to make me fall down and break my arm?”

“No, I…”

“I don’t want to hear another one of your fucking excuses. You’ve been late to classes, you can’t keep your stuff picked up, you’re barely passing…”

Brian didn’t move. Justin could hear the change in tone of Jack’s voice, and it sounded a lot like it had the first time he’d seen the man. Jack kicked the rest of Brian’s things across the room, picked up his backpack and threw it at him.

“Make sure it’s not in my way next time.”

He took another drink. “You’re always making my fucking life more complicated…I think ya do it on purpose, Sonny Boy.”

Brian ignored him and began trying to gather the things his parents had scattered around. Jack stepped on his fingers with the toe of his boot. Brian’s face twisted in pain.

“Dammit, look at me when I’m talking to you. No respect. I thought I taught you respect? I guess you need a refresher course.”

Jack grabbed Brian’s shirt and pulled him off the ground by the collar. He smacked Brian hard in the face. 

“…Mom…”

Brian looked at her pleadingly. Joan turned her head and went into the kitchen. Justin saw her mix herself a drink, and take it with her into the bedroom. The scene faded out.

“Vic, I’ve come to the conclusion that I hate them even more than I did in the first place.”

Vic nodded. “Yeah, I agree. At least we’ll see less and less of them as we go on.”

“Good.”

“You ready for more?”


	3. Memories

***********************************************************************************************************

Vic looked over at Justin, who was waiting patiently for him to show him something else. Vic breathed in, and cocked his head to the side. Justin knew he was thinking, and didn’t want to interrupt him, but he knew his patience wouldn’t last much longer. Finally Vic turned to him and spoke.

“Justin, you know Brian was really smart, don’t you?”

“Duh.” Justin rolled his eyes. “He still is.”

“Smartass. I meant when he was in school.” Justin nodded his head, and Vic continued. “Well, he got a fifteen hundred on his SAT. Did he ever tell you that?”

“No.” Justin thought for a second, and then looked offended. “Hey, he got higher than I did.” 

Justin wrinkled his forehead and scowled. Vic laughed at him.

“It’s okay, Justin.” He patted him on the shoulder. Justin smiled.

“And, he was number one in his class. He got full rides to a couple schools, and scholarships, academically and for sports, to pay for parts of other schools.”

Justin thought about it. Finally, not really understanding why Vic was talking about this, he said, “So? What does this have to do with anything Vic?”

Vic sighed patiently. “Did you ever wonder why he’d just stay here? Look at how badly he wanted to get out of here for a while. Why do you think he stayed when he had he chance to go?”

Justin sat still, wondering. He looked back at Vic with a puzzled expression. “I’m not sure. Maybe I just thought he stayed for Michael or something.”

“He and Michael were good friends, but that’s not it.”

“Well…you are going to show me, right? Or at least tell me, ‘cause now I’m curious. Too much talking, not enough watching.”

Vic chuckled. “Yeah, I’ll show you.”

He went through the routine Justin was becoming familiar with—pushing the button. This scene began in Brian’s old room, with Brian and Michael packing some boxes up. They were putting away his trophies, when Joan came in the room and looked down at him, her expression dull. She was holding a glass of wine.

Brian didn’t notice her, until he saw Michael looking up. Finally, he too looked up at his mother. She still didn’t say anything, and Brian made an impatient sound. She opened her mouth like she was going to speak, but ended up not saying anything, and walked quietly out of the room.

Michael looked at Brian and scrunched up his nose. “What was that all about?”

Brian shrugged his shoulders and taped up another box. “Beats me, Mikey. Her and Jack are probably just sad because they won’t have me here to take their frustrations out on.”

Michael looked down at the ground, obviously not knowing what to say. Brian put his arm around Michael’s shoulder, signally Michael to talk, but he didn’t.

“What’s wrong?” Brian characteristically raised his eyebrow.

Michael glanced at Brian and sighed. “I’m going to miss you, that’s all.”

Brian looked down at Michael and sighed, but not impatiently. “Mikey, I’m going to be right here in good ol’ Pennsylvania. I’m just going to Penn State.”

“I know.” Justin heard him start to use the whiney tone, but noted that it wasn’t as bad as it is now.

“We’ll get together on weekends and stuff, okay?” Brian spoke almost like he was talking to a child, but not quite so condescendingly. 

Michael looked down nodded slowly. “Bri, you know that’s not true. You’ll be with him on weekends…you always are now, and I hardly ever see you…and you’re not even gone yet.”

“That’s not true. Not every one of them, Mikey. Besides, I’ll see him everyday anyway. But I promise that on every Friday, I’ll clear my schedule just for you.”

Michael looked back up at Brian and smiled. Justin knew why; everyone that knew him knew Brian knew that he didn’t make too many promises, and it was very likely because he didn’t think he’d keep them. Obviously he thought he’d keep this one.

Justin could see though, from the face that Michael made afterwards, that he wasn’t going to let it drop just yet. He was proved right.

“You know, you’ve only brought him to Ma’s house once.”

“I know,” Brian said sheepishly. “But he works a lot, and he has school.”

Michael shook his head. “Well, tell him I said hello, even though he hates me.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “He doesn’t hate you—he just doesn’t know you very well.”

“Well, whose fault’s that?” Michael was being stubborn, and Brian didn’t say anything.

Justin was way confused now. Who were they talking about? The possibility that Brian had a real boyfriend wasn’t one he could wrap his mind around. And he had a lot of imagination. He decided he wouldn’t ask Vic, as Vic seemed to be getting annoyed with the interruptions. So he just turned back and watched.

Michael hugged Brian, and Justin saw that Brian affectionately hugged him back. Which now that he thought about it wasn’t so weird. He was always a little more affectionate with Michael. 

Justin could hear someone knocking on what he guessed was the front door. Brian broke the hug and looked down at Michael with what seemed to be anticipation. After he turned away, Michael rolled his eyes.

“That’s him Mikey.”

“You don’t know that,” Michael said, following Brian down the hall. Brian was taking large steps though, almost running.

When they got to the door, Brian opened it quickly, and a huge grin spread across his face. Not one of his usual sarcastic smirks, but an actual smile. Justin wondered what would make him smile like that.

On the other side of the door stood a man about Brian’s height, maybe a half an inch taller at the most. He had jet black hair, which was styled in a complete early 90’s way. He was slender, but not a slender as Brian. He had green eyes, and a beautiful smile, which was currently directed toward Brian. In a word—he was hot.

Justin turned to Vic quickly, but before he could get anything out, Vic gestured for him to look back at what was going on before them.

The man pulled Brian into a hug, and unlike Justin thought he would, Brian didn’t pull back, but actually returned it. After they embraced, Brian put his hand on the back of the guy’s neck, and kissed him, tongue and all. The kiss itself wasn’t weird, because Justin had seen Brian kiss other guys before—it was just the way he kissed him…it was more than just a kiss. Justin couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy.

Michael was standing behind Brian inside the door, completely forgotten. He cleared his throat, and Brian turned around quickly. He almost looked embarrassed, but covered it up hastily. Justin thought it was weird seeing Brian at a time when he wasn’t fully in control of what he showed others. It was only a matter of time until he would be, though.

The man who kissed Brian stepped inside and waved at Michael. Michael nodded. 

“Hi, Michael.”

“Hey.”

Michael turned to Brian. “Well, I’m gonna get going, Bri. I’ll talk to you later. Oh, and Brian,” Brian bent down, and Michael whispered, “you better be careful…this is still your parent’s house.”

Brian nodded. “See ya Mikey.” Brian hugged him, and Michael left.

He turned back to the man in front of him, pulling him completely inside and shutting the door behind him. The man followed Brian silently into his room, closing the door after they got inside.

Brian smiled again. “Hi Derrick.”

Derrick smiled back at Brian, and looked around his room. “Hi. Are you all packed?”

“Yeah, pretty much. Now all I have to do is load the shit and unpack it again.”

“Well, let’s get started…because the sooner we start, the sooner we’re finished, and the sooner we’re finished…” 

Derrick moved over to Brian and kissed him passionately, pulling his body close, and grinding them together. Derrick finally broke the kiss, and the two of them started picking up the boxes and carrying them outside and loading them into Derrick’s truck.

Jack and Joan we’re watching from the couch, both with an alcoholic beverage in their hands. Neither said goodbye to Brian, but both muttered things like how he was going to fail and end up back on the doorstep. For the most part Brian ignored them, except when Joan told him that her and Jack loved him, despite what he may think. Brian told her that hitting was a nice way of showing it.

That was all that was exchanged between the three of them. Justin assumed it was because Brian didn’t want to make a scene in front of Derrick, and he probably wanted to get out of there as fast as possible.

When they we’re about halfway down the road, Brian turned to Derrick. “I never thought I’d get the fuck out of there.”

Derrick smiled at him and put his hand on his leg. “Well, now you finally are. Now you’re free…you can move on and forget it. No regrets.”

Brian considered it and smiled back. “No regrets.”

The scene faded out, and Justin was still baffled. There was no way Brian--his Brian…had a boyfriend. No. He even seemed to really like him…

“Earth to Justin…” 

Justin jumped, and then glared at Vic. “You fucker. You scared me!” After a second he said, “Vic…how did they meet? Why didn’t he ever tell me…I didn’t think he ever had a boyfriend…didn’t think he wanted one.”

“Well, he was still young, remember that much. He didn’t have all of his walls up yet…contrary to popular belief, he wasn’t born with all the walls and demons; they gradually came.”

Justin nodded for Vic to continue.

“They met when Brian was a starting his senior year in high school. Derrick was in his fifth year of college—he wasn’t stupid, he was going for his Doctoral degree in business. They actually met at the library of the college, when Brian was taking a tour there. Derrick slipped him his phone number while he was walking by, and Brian being Brian even then, decided to call. The rest is history.”

“Are you going to show me any of it?”

“Any of their first dates…no. I’m sure you can fill in the blanks there. I’ll show you what happens to them after they get into college.”

“Brian actually went on dates?”

“Yep. Well, they never went so far as to pulling out chairs and wearing tuxes, but they did go out together, and to places other than bars and night clubs.”

Justin sat there, trying to soak in all this new information. Brian dated when he was young. Justin knew Brian was never a completely heartless asshole, but he had no idea he used to be this open to this kind of thing. Justin was slowly becoming resentful of this Derrick guy, even though he knew it was stupid.

Vic pressed the button again, and the scene was on Brian and Derrick carrying boxes to what Justin guessed was Brian’s new dorm. They sat Brian’s stuff down, and then sat down on top of it, obviously out of breath.

Derrick looked up and smiled at Brian. Brian grinned back. He moved over to the box Brian was sitting on, and sat down on a box beside him, putting his arm around Brian. Derrick leaned over and whispered into Brian’s ear.

“Wanna fuck?”

“On the floor?”

“Do you see a bed big enough?”

Brian rolled his eyes. “You’re cock’s big, but it’s not that big.”

“Ha ha.” Derrick laughed good naturedly.

When he stopped, Brian leaned over and pressed his lips to Derrick’s. It was a soft kiss, one that was similar to the one that Justin knew Brian reserved for him. Jealously hit him again.

Derrick stood up, pulling Brian up with him, and they walked over to the bed together, without breaking their contact. Derrick pushed Brian down onto the bed, and climbed on top of him, taking both their shirts off. The shoes and pants came next, neither of them bothering with socks.

Derrick started kissing Brian’s stomach, all the way down until he got to the band of his underwear. He slipped his hand inside and Brian moaned softly.

“Make sure you lock the fucking door next time.”

Brian jumped up, almost knocking Derrick off of him. “Who the fuck are you?”

“Your roommate. It’s nice meeting you. Oh, and I hate to break it to you, but you guys won’t be fucking right now, because I have to move my stuff in. Monday nights are good though, because I won’t be here.”

Derrick smiled in spite of things and kissed Brian on the lips. “Just as well. I have to be at work in about thirty minutes. I’m gonna go get ready, Brian.”

Brian nodded, showing little emotion about it. “Okay…what time do you get off?”

“Not sure…but I’ll come by or call, and we’ll do something if it’s not too late, okay?”

“Okay. Hey…you don’t work tomorrow do you?”

“Of course I don’t work tomorrow—I didn’t forget what day it is Brian.”

With that Derrick kissed him on the lips and left the room. Vic let the scene fade, and turned to Justin, waiting on him to speak. Justin’s arms were crossed in front of his chest.

“Remember, Justin…this has already happened. Long before you were old enough to even think about boys.”

Justin flipped Vic off. “I know. But I still don’t want to see anymore if it involves Derrick.”

“Well, you have to. You want to know one of the reasons Brian ‘doesn’t do love’, don’t you?”

“I guess.” Justin was huffy about it, though.

Vic pressed the button. Justin saw Brian standing at the door to an apartment, knocking. The door opened, and no surprise, Derrick answered. Brian went in and sat down among about twenty lit candles, and a picnic on the floor. Justin sat there angry, because Derrick stole his idea, and was using it with Brian. He knew it wasn’t true, but still.

Derrick kissed Brian softly on the lips, and fed him a piece of fruit. Brian smiled and did the same to Derrick, licking some dip that was left on his lip. Derrick put his hand on the back of Brian’s neck, and pulled him closer, kissing him deeply.

Food forgotten, Derrick gently pushed Brian to the ground, never breaking the kiss. Finally Derrick sat up to remove his pants and shirt, and Brian did the same. Justin couldn’t believe that they were going so slow…Brian was never that slow with anyone but him. But, Brian never let someone take control like that either…except for him. And it still took Brian about a year to let him do it.

Derrick started planting soft kisses on Brian’s neck and face. He moved down his stomach and to his underwear, this time successfully removing it. Then he took off his own. He climbed back up Brian’s body and whispered in his ear.

“I love you, Brian, happy one year.”

Derrick reached over and grabbed the condom and lube sitting on the table beside them. Justin grabbed Vic’s arm as he heard the wrapper being torn.

“Vic, I can’t watch this…please.”

Vic nodded understandingly. “Well, you need to see what happens afterward.”

Brian was sitting on the floor with his underwear on, beside Derrick. Derrick reached over into the pocket of his discarded jeans and pulled out something, concealing it with his fist. Brian looked at him curiously. Derrick smiled and held out his hand.

The cowry shell bracelet Brian had always worn was sitting in Derrick’s palm. Derrick smiled at Brian and put it on him.

“You look hot in it.” Brian smiled.

“I got it especially made for you…see, it has your name inside. I know you like that hemp shell hippy shit.”

Brian grinned and gave him a hug and kiss. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Just make sure you wear it all the time, okay?”

“Duh…it’s fuckin hot on me.”

“You’re so conceited.” Brian laughed. 

“So?”

“So? So it’s okay, because you’re beautiful.”

They started kissing again, and Vic let it fade away. Justin looked over at Vic with a sad face.

“Vic, did you see the way he looked at Derrick?”

Vic nodded. “I promise we’re almost all the way finished with Derrick, but I have one more thing to show you.”

“I think I can handle it, as long as you promise me no lovey dovey shit.”

“I promise. This is about ten months later.”

Another scene came in, and Brian was sitting alone on his bed. His roommate was across the room, watching him.

“You’ve been waiting by the phone for three hours. He’s not calling…get over it.”

Brian glared at him. “He said he’d be home by now, he’ll call. If he doesn’t, I’ll just go over there. I wish he’d answer his cell.”

“Go, you’re getting on my nerves.”

Brian glared at him again, and got up and walked out the door. Justin saw him check his wallet and it was empty. Brian sighed, and began walking. About five minutes after he started, it began to rain. Brian grumbled, but kept going.

When he got to the apartment, he was soaked. He didn’t bother knocking, and pulled out a key and opened the door himself. When he stepped inside, Justin could hear muffled sounds, but couldn’t quite make out what they were.

Brian moved slowly through the apartment, down the hall, and to the bedroom. That was where the sound was coming from. By now it was obvious what it was. He opened the door gradually, until it was all the way open. 

Derrick obviously didn’t see Brian, and Brian didn’t do anything to call attention to himself at first. It looked like he couldn’t tear his eyes away. After about two minutes watching Derrick he finally broke out of his daze and moved over to the bed.

“Fuck you.” Brian whispered. “And fuck you too.” He looked over at the other guy angrily.

Derrick jumped up and followed Brian out the door. He grabbed Brain’s arm, but Brian pulled away and stared at him, waiting for him to say something.

“Brian, he doesn’t mean anything to me, I swear. It was just fucking.”

“Just fucking. Am I just fucking?”

“Brian…I told you I love you." 

"And this is how you show me…again. Well fuck this, and fuck you.”

“Brian, I love you…”

“Love’s bullshit! I’m tired and I hate the people that ‘love’ me. First Joan and Jack beating me up, and telling me they loved me. Then you…you who said you loved me…their just fuckin words! They don’t mean anything.”

“Brian…wait.”

Brian didn’t turn around, but kept moving. “Go to hell.”

He walked all the way back to the dorm, and sat down on his bed and curled up. Justin saw the tears in his eyes, but he wiped them away before they even fell out. 

His roommate made his way over and sat down beside him. “You know, he’s not worth it. Nobody is.”

“It’s all bullshit. No regrets though, right?”

“Right, man. Wanna know my mantra?”

“Sure.”

“I don’t believe in love. I believe in fucking. It’s honest, it’s efficient. You get in a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of pain. Let’s go, repeat after me.”

Justin heard Brian repeat it about five times before they stopped. When they did, the guy looked at Brian.

“Wanna go clubbing with me?”

“I’m not really up to it.”

“Come on, what did we just say? It’ll make ya feel a lot better.”

Brian reluctantly got up. The scene faded out.

“I knew I hated that guy. He broke poor Brian’s heart, the fucker.”

“Yeah…Brian’s first and last…well, with the exception of you, relationship. He didn’t really trust people anyway, and then he found this perfect guy, who he trusted with everything, and was betrayed.”

Justin thought it over, and realized how many people had either died, or lied, or just hurt Brian. No wonder he didn’t trust or believe in love. Well…until Justin that is. Justin still thought that Brian loved him. It had just taken him a while to get there.


	4. Memories

************************************************************************************************************  
Justin sat on the couch, thinking about everything in Brian’s life that he had seen so far. Most of it was so depressing, but he knew that he had to see more. He wasn’t sure if this counted as invading Brian’s privacy, but if Brian wasn’t going to tell him, then how else was he supposed to find anything out? Besides, at least now he felt he understood Brian a lot more, and right now Justin really felt he needed to.

“Are you ready to see more, Justin?” Vic interrupted his thoughts.

“Yeah, I think I am.”

Vic pressed the button, and Justin saw Brian sitting in his dorm, eating pizza with some girl. When she turned around, Justin saw right away that it was Lindsay. She looked so young and happy. They were sitting beside each other on the floor, Lindsay’s feet on Brian’s lap, and Brian leaned up against the chair.

“Bri, why are we watching this?”

“Because, James Dean is hot.” Brian rolled his eyes like it was the most obvious answer in the world.

“Well I don’t think he is. I hate this movie.” 

Lindsay picked off one of the pepperonis on Brian’s pizza and popped it into her mouth. Brian gave her a dirty look, but Justin could see that he wasn’t mad, more like amused. He sat up and pointed his finger at her.

“Linds, you don’t think any male is hot.”

Lindsay looked like she was caught off guard. “I do too, Brian…I think lots of guys are hot.”

Brian raised his eyebrow. “Yeah? Name two.”

“Umm…” Lindsay thought for a minute. “I think you’re hot.” She wiggled her eyebrows at him.

“Well, that’s a given—everyone thinks I’m hot. Even straight guys and dikes do.”

Brian looked at her as he said the last part, accenting the word dikes. Lindsay put her pizza down on the piece of cardboard and glared at him.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Brian?”

“Have you ever been with a guy?” Brian took a bite of his pizza.

“Yes I have. Plenty of times, actually.” 

Lindsay picked her piece back up and started eating again, obviously satisfied with what she’d told Brian. Brian on the other hand didn’t seem convinced. He raised his eyebrows at her again, giving her a look that means ‘I think you’re full of shit.’

“I have. Quit looking at me like that…”

“Hey, who are you trying to convince?”

“Shut up.”

“How many boyfriends have you had?”

“I dated Jacob Brown for an entire year and a half once.”

“Is that it?”

“I was busy doing other things...I haven’t had a lot of time for boyfriends.” She was beginning to look uncomfortable.

“Well, how many guys have you fucked?”

“Brian!” She hit him in the face with one of the couch pillows. Brian smirked.

“I knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“That you’re gay.”

“Gay?” Lindsay scoffed. “No I’m not…I just haven’t found the right guy yet. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean we all are.”

Brian nodded. “Well, if you’re looking for love you won’t find it. There are no perfect relationships Linds…that kind of love’s a bunch of bullshit.” 

Brian put his pizza down on the pizza box and looked at her. Lindsay stared sadly back at him, waiting for him to say something else. When he didn’t, she decided to speak.

“Brian, that’s not true. Everyone has a soul mate.”

“Whatever. Well, when you find her, tell me, because I want to meet her.”

“Fuck you, Brian! I’m really not gay.”

“Okay, Okay.”

Brian put his hands up in the air to signal that he surrendered. The sat there in silence for a few minutes, neither looking at each other, but neither watching the movie either. Justin got the feeling that Brian didn’t know what to say, and that Lindsay didn’t want him to say anything. Finally, after about ten minutes, Lindsay looked at Brian.

“Maybe I am gay.”

Brian shrugged and Lindsay looked at him in an annoyed way. “It’s not my business if you are or aren’t, really.”

She looked frustrated, but rather than argue with him, she tried a different tactic. “Have you ever been with a woman, Brian?”

Brian thought a minute, and made a face. “No.”

Lindsay looked surprised. “Never once?”

“Never wanted to…don’t much like fish.” Brian made a mock hick voice.

“Ha ha, Brian.” Lindsay punched him in the shoulder. Brian looked taken aback, but didn’t move.

“You know, I’ve never been with a guy either. I mean, not all the way.”

“But you’ve been with a girl?” Brian looked serious.

“No…”

“Have you thought about it? Have you dreamed about it?” Brian closed his hands together and looked up at the sky, sighing.

“Freak. I dunno, Brian.”

“Well, if I were you, then I’d try both and see which I liked more.”

“Maybe you should have had sex with a woman before you ruled out the possibility.”

“Probably not.”

Lindsay moved to sit beside Brian. She put her arm around his shoulder and laid her head down. Brian shifted so that he could face her, but didn’t say anything. Lindsay didn’t look discouraged though. She put her hands in Brian’s hair and smiled at him. Brian raised his eyebrows.

“Brian…come on…be my first.”

Brian looked appalled, and Justin almost laughed at his reaction, because the face he was making was so funny. He pushed Lindsay away from him and glared at her.

“No way.”

“Oh come on, what are you afraid of? That you’ll like it?”

“That I’ll vomit.”

“I swear I won’t tell anyone.”

She moved back over to Brian, but Brian stood up. Lindsay huffed and pouted her lip. Brian walked over to the fridge and pulled out a beer, offering Lindsay one. She took it, but still glared at him.

“Oh come on Lindsay, I’m not doing it.” He took a drink of his beer, some cheap stuff he wouldn’t have now.

Lindsay’s head dropped, and she muttered and okay. Brian looked almost guilty, and sighed. He ran his hands through his hair and looked at Lindsay again.

“Okay.”

Lindsay’s head sprung up. “You’re serious?”

“It’s just fucking though, remember that. We’re not going to be boyfriend and girlfriend after this, and you’re to tell no one.” Brian waved his finger in her face.

“I promise.”

The scene faded out, and for that Justin was glad. He was so not into the hetero shit, especially if Brian was involved…it just wasn’t natural.

“So, why did you show me Brian and Lindsay for?”

“Just thought I’d give you a little background on their relationship. Lindsay, like Michael, was in love with Brian….just not to the same extreme.” Vic chuckled.

Justin smiled and nodded. Vic pushed the button again, and this time the scene that came up was Brian’s dorm room again, but this time there was no one there but him. He was sitting on his bed, reading what appeared to be The Catcher in the Rye. Justin didn’t know Brian liked that book. 

The door was shut, but you could lots of noises coming from the outside. You could hear kids running up and down the steps, yelling at each other, and laughing. Brian never moved from his place on the bed, or looked up.

Lindsay walked in, and Brian just sat on the bed, ignoring her. She looked down at him, tapping her foot. A young woman came up behind Lindsay, and put her arm around her, and kissed her on the cheek—it was Melanie. 

Finally, Brian looked up and smirked. “Well, hello. You munchers gonna go to Lindsay’s this weekend?”

“Yes, actually we are, Bri. I came to invite you too though…if you’d like to come.”

“Munchers and mothers all weekend? No thanks.” 

Brian got up and crossed the space between them, and gave Lindsay a kiss on the forehead. “You have a good time though…Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah Mel.”

Melanie smiled. Justin thought that was the first time he’d ever seen the two of them get along for more than two minutes. Weird.

“Bye Brian.”

Brian sat back down on the bed and waved at them both, and picked up his book and started reading again. He looked at the clock, noting that it was only seven thirty. He got up and onto the floor, reaching his arm under the side of the bed. He pulled out a box and sat it in front of him. He sat like that for a little bit, and finally opened it. He pulled out what Justin thought was a picture, but stuffed it back in the box quickly and pushed it back under the bed when he heard someone knocking.

“Come in.”

Michael appeared in the doorway, snow boots and hat on, and smiled at Brian. Brian smiled back, and motioned for him to come inside. Michael shut the door and made his way over to Brian, hugging him.

“Why are you here, Mikey?”

“To pick you up for Christmas break…duh.”

“I’m not going to go.”

“Ma will be pissed. When I told her I was coming she gave me strict orders to bring you back, even if I had to knock you out to do it.”

Brian sat down on the floor back in front of the bed. Michael came over and sat down across from him, and stared at him.

“You can stay at our house Brian.”

“No.”

“Come on…it won’t kill you.”

“What for?”

“Ma wants you to spend Christmas with us…and I want you to too.”

Brian sat for a second, and it looked like he was thinking about it. Michael waited patiently on him to answer, and Justin could tell that he wanted Brian to come so much that he doubted he’d leave without him. Finally Brian looked up at him.

“Fine Michael—but the first time Deb tries to get me to go home to Jack and Joanie, I’m leaving, and I’ll be pissed. She better not feed me any shit about it being Christmas and them being my family either. And she sure as hell better not invite them for dinner.”

Michael nodded, seemingly not surprised at what Brian was saying. He hadn’t raised his voice or his head the entire time, but he was very serious.

“I already told her, Brian.”

Brian looked at Michael and nodded, kissing him on the forehead. He got up and got his coat, pulled out a bag, and started stuffing a bunch of clothes in it. He didn’t even look to see if it all matched, just shoved it inside. Brian didn’t care back then? When did he become such a queen about matching?

“You’re not even going to call them though?”

They were on the road now, and Brian looked over at Michael when he said that, then out the car window. He didn’t answer him for a while, and then looked back over; knowing Michael was expecting an answer.

“No, I’m not.”

“Bri…”

“Just let it drop Michael.”

The scene faded out and opened up again, and this time they were at Debbie’s house. The rooms all looked the same, but Debbie looked considerably younger, and even a little thinner. Vic was there too, and he looked a whole lot healthier than he had when Justin gotten to know him. Brian and Michael were sitting with Vic at the dinner table, both looking at each other and laughing loudly at something Justin hadn’t heard.

“You boys ready to eat?”

Debbie sat the turkey and a whole lot of other food in the middle of the table. They all started to dig in, but she smacked their hands.

“It’s Christmas—somebody’s gonna say grace.”

They all looked around at each other, none of them obviously wanting to do it. Finally Debbie sighed and said it herself. Everyone, including Brian waited for her to be finished before getting their food.

Debbie looked at Brian for a second, and it seemed like she was thinking of what to say to him. “I’m glad you came home sweetie.”

Brian looked at her and gave her a half smile. “Yeah.”

They talked about pointless things for a little bit, and when the food was gone it got quiet again. Debbie volunteered Brian to help her with the dishes, and even though he complained about it, Justin got the feeling that he didn’t mind too much. Michael and Vic went into the living room.

“So, how’s college?”

“Pretty good I guess. At least I’m out of the nut house.” Brian smiled bitterly at Debbie.

“Bri, honey, I know it was bad…but have you even spoken to your parents since you left?”

“Nope.” 

Brian was being curt, and Justin knew he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, but he also knew that Debbie wasn’t going to let it go. Now Justin didn’t wonder where Michael got it from.

“I saw her at the supermarket the other day and she asked about you.”

Brian didn’t say anything so Debbie went on. “I know there hard to get along with, but you should at least wish them a Merry Christmas, Brian.”

“Deb, I don’t feel like talking about it, and it’s really none of your business.”

“Fine. I was just saying that--”

Brian cut her off. “I don’t want to talk about it, Deb. If I would’ve known you were going to nag me, I’d’ve stayed at college.”

Debbie made a face and started to argue, but stopped herself with what Justin could tell was a great effort. They finished the dishes talking about what they were going to do for New Year’s Eve.

After the dishes were finished, Brian told everyone that he was going to go for a walk, and made a point that he wanted this walk to be taken alone. Justin didn’t know where he was going, until he stopped in front of his old house.

Brian stood on the sidewalk for a few minutes, not moving, and then took a deep breath and walked forward. He opened the gate and walked up to the porch, looking into the window before knocking. 

When he finally did knock, Joan answered the door with a glass of wine in her hand, and her face emotionless as she looked at Brian. They stared at each other for a good five minutes before Joan invited him inside. Justin and Brian both noted Joan's black eye.

“Who the hell was it?” 

“It’s Brian, Jack.”

“Well--”

“I’m not staying,” Brian interrupted them. “I just came by to wish you a Merry Christmas.”

“Well, aren’t you just the sweetest son?”

Brian looked at them both and sighed. “I’m leaving now—Merry Christmas.”

“He’s too good for us now Joan—he’s a big college man, now.”

“Who are you staying with, Brian?”

“A friend’s house.”

“Probably that little fairy he used to hang out with all the time.”

Brian glared at them, and moved into the living room. “Brian, you really should stay and go to church with me tomorrow.”

“Like hell.”

“Brian, you shouldn’t talk like that--”  
“I don’t want to hear it, Mom.”

Joan sighed and looked down at the ground. “Can I have your address Brian, or at least your phone number? You never call me…”

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Brian, I’m lonely. Why can’t we just be friends?”

“You’ve got Jack, Mom.” Brian moved to the door quickly, apparently hoping to get out without having to talk anymore.

“Just your number, Brian…please?”

Brian grumbled but pulled out a pen and wrote his number down on her arm. “Don’t call it unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

Brian walked quickly out the door. The scene faded and Justin made a sad face at Vic…his family relationships were bad, but not that bad. At least he got along with one of his family members.

He glanced over at Vic, who was staring at him thoughtfully. “What?”

“You’re up soon, Justin.”

“Me?”

“Yep. There are lots of things involving you that you need to know about.” 

Justin wrinkled up his nose. He didn’t know what Vic was talking about, but he was eager to find out what role he had played in Brian’s life that he didn’t already know about.


End file.
